Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Being Cripple is Dangerous!

So i was meditating in the fifth floor dance studio/performance space this morning, when the windows of the control booth began to make a horrible racket ... yes, i said racket. My first inclination was, someone is messing around in there, but then the mirrors on the wall and the battens, full of hanging show lights, began to shake as well. I rolled my way to standing and hurried to the doorway, away from any possible debris. Just as i made it, my legs gave out and i slumped to the floor. I was oddly calm throughout. I prayed. The shaking just didn't stop.

After it finally stopped we were escorted to the emergency stairwell. Sitting in my scooter and looking at the stairs i thought, huh... thats funny... how do i get out? The elevator was not an option and the jolt to my system clearly agitated my pain. So i had another opportunity. Grin and bear it. Thankfully one of the other dancers helped me down the five flights of stairs. A small group stayed behind to make sure we all got out safely, which was encouraging. But seriously, i am a huge liability! Guess i have to prepare for the big one.... ahem... "Leave me! Save yourselves!" ;-D

Monday, July 21, 2008


So things are pretty crazy. I can walk and dance in moderation, on a good day. However, the pain has morphed to muscle spasms, random sharp 'shock' pain and weird dizziness. Sometimes my world shifts and sometimes gravity pulls my head to the floor. Sometimes i get lost in my own apartment. Sometimes i get scared over what is happening to me. Oh, my faithlessness!

Zechariah 13:6:
6And one shall say unto him, What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.

This is in reference to:

John 20:25-27:
25The other disciples therefore said unto him (Thomas), We have seen the LORD. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.
26And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.
27Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

Jesus was, "wounded in the house of my friends" when Thomas did not believe. He is hurt when we do not believe/trust/have faith.

James 1:17
17Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Out of the Blue

I went to dance class Monday morning as usual. I always sit out after the stretching because the pain and weakness is too much to do more, but i felt i could go on. I did all of the barre work (exercises done at the bar on the wall -ballet) and still felt fairly strong. Here is the kicker... i DANCED!!! Not too much because the dizziness is still kicking my butt and my legs began to tremble after a bit, but i danced!!!!

Yesterday, i went to class again hoping Monday wasn't just a fluke. And i danced a bit longer than before, however, the random stabbing pain kicked in just to remind me that Arnie was still there. "Yes Arnie, i am aware." Later i felt a headache coming on... and it got bad. For a minute there i thought, "Who needs a neurologist, i got this!" Thank you Arnie for reminding me that i do not.

So i have three types of pain: random sharp pains that happen anywhere, persistent chronic pain that is usually in the muscles and joints, and headaches (there is also a plethora of different headaches but i won't get into those). The random sharp pains and headaches are still pretty frequent but the persistent chronic pain seems to be diminishing! YEA! That may be all the relief i need to gain some strength back! My right side feels a little weak and soar but i am praying that it is because of the dancing... we shall see.

Even if this is just a couple good days, praise God! Two days he did supernatural work in my body!

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Funny, it's Only Life

Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must i wrestle with my thoughts
and everyday have sorrow in my heart?
Let me up! ... hold me down!
You are very funny.

i twist to fit the mold that you are in.
Things are going to happen naturally.
i just sit here all day making friends with the ketchup and salt. It's only life.
H o w m u c h f u r t h e r t o CRAZY?!

Pushing forward and arching back, life is hard to do!

Round and round we go we hold each other's hands and weave ourselves in a circle. The day is done, the dance goes on.

A wise man would tell you to lie. What do you have Faith in?
Tell me something True.
i am covered in skin and no one gets to come in.

you are the secret i keep.

You know my anxious thoughts.

you are like the spleen, nobody knows what you do!

Where You are seems to be far as an Eternity. You are very funny.

You laid down your life to be by my side.
Saro contento, nel mio tormento, Alma del core, spirto del alma..
(i am content in my torment, Spirit of being)

i spoke once, but i have no answer - twice but i will say no more.
It's only life!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO! . . . . . . yeah.

It's only life.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

Crippled is Beautiful

I am concerned about how people view things outside themselves. At first, a grip of friends and acquaintances who saw me rolling around in a wheelchair thought i was joking. The other day one said, "You don't look disabled... you are a pretty girl." And that set me off.

So are you saying that there is an ugly meter determining whether or not one can have a disability? Are you saying disabled people are ugly? Or are you saying that because there is no visual evidence of a disability you cannot wrap your mind around it?

Amazingly enough, that whole rant (and more that isn't appropriate to repeat) happened within my inner monologue as i took a deep breath, then i smiled and explained the situation.

I guess most people do see in black and white. You are paralyzed or you are not. You are born with a disability or you are not. I can move my limbs and they look 'normal' so that confuses people. I was a very active person and as a result of no crazy accident i have chronic pain. That confuses people, i get it. But look at the colors people! The world is not black and white, pretty and ugly. Those components exist, yes; but there is so much more! There is fuchsia, cochineal, canary yellow and indigo (okay, enough euphemism), one can occur inside the other. I mean really, we know this! There is the person who is, by society's standards, beautiful - but that person is crazy or extremely self-absorbed. Then you have the person with cerebral palsy who is brilliant and compassionate.
I don't think God works in stereotypes. I doubt very much that He decides how lives will unfold according to their shell. Take the Ultimate Example for example.
It is the heart that matters. I guess my point is, next time something confuses you, ask yourself:
"Why am i confused?"
"Who/what is the source of this thinking?"
"Does everything look the way i think it should look?"
"What is gong on underneath the surface?"

I sat in dance class today, watching the others glide across the floor as i sat in my scooter wracked with pain. Yes i was frustrated, but not because i couldn't dance. Dance is worship, expression and flows naturally out of me. Although i am incredibly happy when i dance, Arnie has given me lasting joy. I know the beauty of humbility (okay i just made up a word but you get the picture). The things i have learned in a wheelchair are immeasurable in comparison to what i've learned on the dance floor.

Most days i would not trade my cripple body for anything. I know that i was far uglier three years ago, before Arnie came to take.

Monday, July 7, 2008


This is a story my good friend told me about a woman that was basically her second mother. It knocked me on my butt, forced me to quit complaining and gave me something to look forward to.

She was fighting hard until the very end (her body was pretty much racked with cancer and burned from chemo), having visions that she would be healed. When my mom spoke to her on the phone about a week before she went, she had the idea that when her sister, 'T' came to see her from Missouri she would get out of bed and be completely free of the cancer and healed.
When her son talked to my mom a couple days after she passed, he said that 'T' came just in time to hold her hand as she went Home. He said he hadn't wanted to see it before, but he felt that her visions were really of being healed in Heaven, not here. Selah

What is also astounding, the night she passed was the same night that our church gathers for prayer and prayed for her family. It is clear that God was actively orchestrating the situation, linking people who have never met but have Christ in common. His glory can be seen even in earthly death.

Saturday, July 5, 2008

Acupuncture is the Bomb-diggity!

Today i saw an acupuncturist that came highly recommended by a friend. It is really cool how they just know where to poke to educe pain. Anyway, she poked around and said that i have scoliosis and the tension from dancing aggravates it. To be honest, i didn't care for a diagnosis; i just wanted acupuncture. So she had my lie down and did some cupping and acupuncture - the usual - and then she put a 20oz water bottle under my neck and had me raise my arms over my head. There was an odd feeling of obstruction where the pectoral muscle meets the underarm. It felt uncomfortable but good, kind of like stretching a sore muscle, but not. She then adjusted my neck and back, gave me a prescription and sent me on my way. . . that walk from her office to my car was the best i have walked in two long months!!!

I went to the herb store to fill the prescription. It was beans that you boil to make tea (smells like bird seed), and these little pad thingies that are supposed to suck the toxins out of my body through my feet. Two hours later i still feel pretty good, not cured, but good.
All this to say... acupuncture is the bomb-diggity!

Friday, July 4, 2008

Get Real

Okay people, it is time to get really real. This sucks!

With three misdiagnoses of a progressive disorder/illness, i am dealing with the possibility of never getting better and possibly getting worse. Over the course of two and a half years i have seen over 2 dozen doctors who either want to do surgery without proper testing; shrug their shoulders at me; or when they are stumped, say it is psychosomatic.
Whenever things start to let up, something falls apart. I have been crying at the smallest things, and not just crying... it hurts so much that i can't cry and breathe at the same time. Like my body must die to get the pain out. It has been an arduous journey; yet i have to say that since i've been cripple i have been joyful more than before. Yes it is frustrating that i can no longer do what i love, like paint, sculpt, write, play guitar or drums, dance and, well... walk - but as much as i am trapped in my broken body, i have gained raw experience in love, trust, knowledge, friendship and understanding. And that was the worst run-on sentence ever!

This may be a bit presumptuous of me, but i feel i have complete understanding of what Paul was saying to the Philippians. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain," if you are not a Christian, let him explain. "If i am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall i choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: i desire to depart and be with Christ, which better by far; but it is more necessary for you that i remain in the body." Philippians 1:21-24

I would much rather go Home where there is no more pain or hurt, but there is love.

"He will swallow up death forever!
The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears.
He will remove forever all insults and mockery
against his land and people.
The Lord has spoken!"
Isaiah 25:8

Yet i see the fruit. Lives have been changed, eyes opened, hearts pierced. There is more to be done here and the possibility that God will miraculously heal me. Which again is my struggle: having faith that God will heal me, versus accepting this is how i am to be. Regardless, i will be healed. Whether it be here on earth or at Home in Heaven, God will heal me because Jesus Christ carried my burden.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Just Kidding!

Today is the big day! I have waited for this neurological appointment since June 4th. Now i have the insurance to see the doctor... hold on... just kidding... wait 3 to 6 more weeks.