Wednesday, October 29, 2008

What's the 'Therefore' there for?

I have some thoughts-a-brewin', however i have such a massive headache that that must wait. As C.S. Lewis once said, "I could write a great sermon on victory over pain if i could just get over this headache." ;-P

So until then... i started my last post with, "Therefore," therefore i will now show you what the, "Therefore," is there for.

25For I do not want you, brethren, to be uninformed of this mystery--so that you will not be wise in your own estimation--that a partial hardening has happened to Israel until the fullness of the Gentiles has come in;

26and so all Israel will be saved; just as it is written,

28From the standpoint of the gospel they are enemies for your sake, but from the standpoint of God's choice they are beloved for the sake of the fathers;

29for the gifts and the calling of God are irrevocable.

30For just as you once were disobedient to God, but now have been shown mercy because of their disobedience,

31so these also now have been disobedient, that because of the mercy shown to you they also may now be shown mercy.

32For God has shut up all in disobedience so that He may show mercy to all.

Oh, the depth of the riches both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! How unsearchable are His judgments and unfathomable His ways!



36For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things To Him be the glory forever. Amen.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Romans 12:1-2, 12

In response to previous post...

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship. Do not be conformed any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will.

Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

Test Results On Earth

I received test results back yesterday. It was just blood results that all came back negative. Yes, this is good news; however, for the past three years there has been nothing but negative test results. I am ready for them to find something. God is giving me more opportunity to trust Him... and i'm blowing it.

I am a bit frustrated reading the analysis report. The doctors tested for stuff i told them i've already been tested negative for (and gave them the documentation). They recorded my symptoms wrong (even though i gave them a printed list) as well as some of my health history. They did report that my body temperature is a bit low... which would explain why i've been wearing sweaters and Uggs in 80 and 90 degree weather. It could just mean i'm anemic again.

So the impingement of my spinal chord is still an option and now they think it could be an inability to uptake B12. They are now asking for more blood and an MRI of my cervical and thoracic spine. They originally ordered the MRI September 11th, and i am still waiting to receive the notice of the appointment. It should come buy the first week of November. Patience still.

This fall i was to perform in a production of Moliere's Imaginary Invalid, (ironically) but i passed out during rehearsal and then had cerebral spinal vertigo (which just means i was really, really dizzy) and had to bow out. I ended up missing three days of classes because of the vertigo (week before mid-terms) and then had to deal with financial aid and personal mayhem.
Now, i remember a week when, my car broke, a branch came through my bathroom window, and my finances were confused. At a certain point it was just funny. It was all just material stuff that did not matter much. This time is different. I am having a hard time laughing about this. So much stuff that i care about was dumped on my plate at once and i lost track of God's sovereignty. I got lost and tried to fix it all on my own, by my own strength. Suddenly more stuff came loose. My wits and will power were gone and i had made things worse.

God is wrecking me and showing me that the things i care about are (although good things) not that important when compared to The Living God.

It is easy to get lost in those 'good things' and then begin to idolize them. Then you are (i am) obsessing about those things instead of God. I didn't realize how tied up in my body i am. I guess it is easy; we've been in our bodies our whole lives, we feel real things in these bodies and we fight to keep them healthy and alive. But that is no excuse. If i have been raised with Christ, (as i have) then my heart should be set on things above, where Christ is seated at the right hand of God. My mind should be set on things above, not on earthly things... which includes this broken, fallen body that does nothing but keep me here on earth.

... okay, not nothing. God does a great work in each of us, but you get my point. I am an impatient little sinner and i want to go Home.

Sunday, October 19, 2008


Dizzy day,
go away,
back to May.

This body wastes away,
as i am renewed day by day,
room shifts, heart bleeds,
patience still.

May day go away,
April fools.
Dried out nothing left,
patience still.

Although the suffering of Christ flows in to our lives,
so does the comfort of Christ overflow.

By His stitches i will be healed,
thriving, not just surviving.

“I'm sorry” never helps,
May i show you?
The pain reminds me, does not define me.
Wipe away the tears for all time,
brown eyes sparkle, green eyes bloom.

Beneath a quilt,
within the pages,
i find my hiding place.
May i come Home?
i want to come Home,
the narrow path Home.

Broken Hallelujah, but still i sing Hallelujah.

Pearls of wisdom pass through me,
haven't caught one yet.

His hand is outstretched, who can turn it back?

i can be a beautiful mess,
a thrift growing on the edge of a cliff.

He wrecks me,
stretch marks on my soul.

Although the suffering of Christ flows in to our lives,
so does the comfort of Christ overflow.

So does the comfort of Christ overflow,
the comfort of Christ overflow,
Christ overflow,

Saturday, October 18, 2008


This week i've been wrecked. My symptoms went out of control, as did my plans. I had just spoken to my pastor about how i, "roll with the punches," because it seems every time i make a decision, God has something else in mind. So i decided to be more prayerful about my decisions and i actually made some... then the plans changed... and i made some more.

The thing i love about this illness is that it constantly reminds me that i am not in control. I am a very stubborn person and when i set my mind on something, you'd have a pretty tough time convincing me otherwise. God doesn't need to be convincing. Wednesday i planned to go to class, rehearse my music, and then go to show rehearsal. God planned for me to be so dizzy and nauseated that getting out of bed wasn't an option.

At first i was irritated because there was so much i "needed" to accomplish that day and i didn't have time to be ill. By the end of the day i was more joyful than i had been for weeks. My dear friend Ben came over to check in on me and we wrote a song together. I did some free writing and among my scattered laments was scripture that shone truth over the lies.

I planned to get stuff done that day and God planned to minister to my heart through a friend and talents He had given us.

Monday, October 13, 2008

My Savior

It is easy to be engulfed in disappointments, easy to go the easy route, easy to give in to another's will for my life, easy to get distracted, easy to conform to this world. It is easy to backslide for this flesh is sinful. It is difficult to thrive on our own, because it is impossible.
When the pain gets to be too much, when there doesn't seem to be a comforting face in sight, and when i want to just give up, that is when i realize (after i've thrown a childish fit) that i've forgotten my Savior.
It is His pain to carry, He that thrives through heart ache and disappointment, He that doesn't get distracted, He that never gives up and He that comforts, He that carries me.
"For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also His comfort overflows." My mind is so feeble, that it seems i constantly forget.
God has covered so much,
covered in mercy,
covered in grace,

covered in love,
covered like snow that makes the branches bow.

"Thou hast given me a Savior,
produce in me a faith to live by Him,
to make Him all my desire,
all my hope,
all my glory....
... May i feel that i am a stranger and a pilgrim on earth,
declaring plainly that i seek a country,
my title to it becoming more clear,
my meetness for it more perfect,
my foretastes of it more abundant;
and whatsoever i do may it be done in the Savior's name."

"Thou hast made known to me that to save me is Christ's work,
but to cleave to Him by faith is my work,
and with this faith is the necessity of my daily repentance
as a mourning for the sin which Christ by grace has removed."
The Valley of Vision by Arthur Bennett

"I spoke once, but i have no answer - twice, but i will speak no more." Job 40:5

"For you were continually straying like sheep, but now you have returned to the Shepherd and Guardian of your souls" 1 Peter 2:25

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Dizzy gag...

So now that i am full force training again, my body is freaking out a bit. Dizzy spells and confusion have come back; along with either, loss of vocabulary and/or saying silly things. These are symptoms that most people experience when under great stress and/or lacking something nutritionally. So it isn't of great concern, even though i am not stressed out and i am eating healthily... just something off kilter.

What bugs me more is the neck pa
in. My neck cracks randomly and i get nerve pain that radiates from my neck and either down into my back/shoulder or up into my head and face. It is actually more shocking... ha, ha, ha... okay, surprising than it hurts. What really bugs is when it makes me gag. I have had trouble swallowing for a while, and now whatever has gone haywire in my neck is now poking me in the back of the throat. Now being poked in the back of the throat from the mouth is one thing, but being poked from the back of the neck is quite another. Again, more gross than painful. It is just really weird.

Friday, October 3, 2008

Now that i'm done being selfish... for the moment...

I was just convicted by Paul David Trip, author of Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands. I have been reading this book to put my experiences to use through ministry and seem to be convicted by it as we go.

"A truly effective ministry of the Word must confront our self-focus and self-absorption at its roots, opening us up to the vastness of a God-defined, God-centered world. Unless this happens, we will use the promises, principles, and commands of the Word to serve the thing we really love: ourselves. This may be why many people read and hear God's Word regularly while their lives remain unchanged. Only when the rain of the Word penetrates the roots of the problem does lasting change occur. "

Isaiah 55

The Free Offer of Mercy

1"Ho! Every one who thirsts, come to the waters;
And you who have no money come, buy and eat
Come, buy wine and milk
Without money and without cost.
2"Why do you spend money for what is not bread,
And your wages for what does not satisfy?
Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good,
And delight yourself in abundance.
3"Incline your ear and come to Me
Listen, that you may live;
And I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
According to the faithful mercies shown to David.
4"Behold, I have made him a witness to the peoples,
A leader and commander for the peoples.
5"Behold, you will call a nation you do not know,
And a nation which knows you not will run to you,
Because of the LORD your God, even the Holy One of Israel;
For He has glorified you."
6Seek the LORD while He may be found;
Call upon Him while He is near.
7Let the wicked forsake his way
And the unrighteous man his thoughts;
And let him return to the LORD,
And He will have compassion on him,
And to our God,
For He will abundantly pardon.
8"For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways," declares the LORD.
9"For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.
10"For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven,
And do not return there without watering the earth
And making it bear and sprout,
And furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater;
11So will My word be which goes forth from My mouth;
It will not return to Me empty,
Without accomplishing what I desire,
And without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it.
12"For you will go out with joy
And be led forth with peace;
The mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you,
And all the trees of the field will clap their hands.
13"Instead of the thorn bush the cypress will come up,
And instead of the nettle the myrtle will come up,
And it will be a memorial to the LORD,
For an everlasting sign which will not be cut off."