Get Real

Okay people, it is time to get really real. This sucks!

With three misdiagnoses of a progressive disorder/illness, i am dealing with the possibility of never getting better and possibly getting worse. Over the course of two and a half years i have seen over 2 dozen doctors who either want to do surgery without proper testing; shrug their shoulders at me; or when they are stumped, say it is psychosomatic.
Whenever things start to let up, something falls apart. I have been crying at the smallest things, and not just crying... it hurts so much that i can't cry and breathe at the same time. Like my body must die to get the pain out. It has been an arduous journey; yet i have to say that since i've been cripple i have been joyful more than before. Yes it is frustrating that i can no longer do what i love, like paint, sculpt, write, play guitar or drums, dance and, well... walk - but as much as i am trapped in my broken body, i have gained raw experience in love, trust, knowledge, friendship and understanding. And that was the worst run-on sentence ever!

This may be a bit presumptuous of me, but i feel i have complete understanding of what Paul was saying to the Philippians. "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain," if you are not a Christian, let him explain. "If i am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall i choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: i desire to depart and be with Christ, which better by far; but it is more necessary for you that i remain in the body." Philippians 1:21-24

I would much rather go Home where there is no more pain or hurt, but there is love.

"He will swallow up death forever!
The Sovereign Lord will wipe away all tears.
He will remove forever all insults and mockery
against his land and people.
The Lord has spoken!"
Isaiah 25:8

Yet i see the fruit. Lives have been changed, eyes opened, hearts pierced. There is more to be done here and the possibility that God will miraculously heal me. Which again is my struggle: having faith that God will heal me, versus accepting this is how i am to be. Regardless, i will be healed. Whether it be here on earth or at Home in Heaven, God will heal me because Jesus Christ carried my burden.