Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Deviation

verb |ˈdēvēˌāt| [ intrans. ]
depart from an established course...

My plan was simple. Go to Los Angeles, and perform in theatre, television and film. Marry a movie star and live happily ever after. Well, i have performed in theatre, television and film but have hit a stumbling block when it comes to marriage and happily ever after. I have come to realize that i am married to Arnie. He is there when i get up in the morning, with me throughout the day and the last to be with me before i go to sleep... and is there the 2 - 5 times he wakes me up per night. He is so domineering that i have had to stop all assertive efforts in attaining my dreams of performing. Though he sometimes allows me to dance and lets me out for the occasional commercial audition, my inability to commit to anything long term puts me in a limbo.

limbo 1 |ˈlimbō|
an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition

I rue the day Arnie came in to my life, yet rejoice in it at the same time. It's a complicated love/hate relationship.
I know beyond a doubt that if He hadn't taken control of my body, i would be in a very bad place right now. Perhaps my body would feel renewed but my soul would be waisting away. I thank Him for that. What's hard to swallow is, now that i am freed from my past life i am still unable to perform. And not just that, the day to day is becoming harder as well.
Before, i controlled my body. I had a will power that my flesh submitted to with humility. Anything you could do, i could do better. I out played the boys at sport and music, and out witted the girls in quarrel. Now my will must submit to His Will.
Other things have encompassed my mind to divert my attention from Arnie. I have tried to push though the pain, and press on through the weakness, but God is stronger. He is stronger over my body than i could ever be, while being more gentle that i ever was. Now i wait. For what i am not exactly sure but i wait. I don't have a choice, i am not in control.

lovesick |ˈləvˌsik|
in love, or missing the person one loves, so much that one is unable to act normally

The diversions i created are dying to me. They are useless distractions that reap no reward. It is now clear to me that these idols have grown in my heart and taken me from my first Love. Once the realization came my stomach turned, i could not catch my breath as sob upon sob escaped my lips. I have offended my God, my Savior, my Lord by taking a Godly desire and defiling it by my impatience; creating fantasies that are my idea of what bliss should look like. The beauty God can create in my life is unimaginable. I have seen what loveliness He has created out of darkness, yet i continually oscillate. My lowly fantasies disgrace me and show my distrust and dissatisfaction of the One True God. I am a wicked wretch! What could i possibly know?!
I do not trust Him or am satisfied by His wondrous gifts. They are rubbish to me as i create my own idea for my life. And what can that lead to? Ideas created in sin can only give birth to more sin; dark, disgusting sin that will bring Satin to rejoice and my soul to rot.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
You scum! How do you feed on God's helpless and feeble children? I pray for the day of Jesus' return. My judgment may be harsh, to look into the face of the Lord i love and explain how i did not have trust in Him. It will be heart wrenching, yet bearable compared to the joy of seeing you brought low! In the past three years i have felt my physical body break, porous to the bone, my mind lost from my grasp and my heart sunken in disappointment. Yet these unwarranted desires are an offense that has brought pain more monstrous than any of these.

Daddy, Abba father, I don't want to distract myself or turn from You any longer. For so long i have not trusted the only one that loved me so, that he would die for me. I can never feel the wrath that was upon that soul; and the plan of Love was that i never would. I have taken the most pure thing conceivable and spat in His face. My sin is not an object to throw out the window, but my being to be thrown to the floor.
I cannot hide from your love, oh Lord and i praise You that there is such pain in my soul that i may see the weight of my offense and repent. I praise You that such pain is in my body that i may see how You provide, how only You can be first in my heart.

surprise |sə(r)ˈprīz|
an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing

Had i gone about my plans, i might have had continued success in performing, i might have gotten married. But happily ever after, not so sure. Without God, everything is futile. God is love, so to fully understand love and contentment we must fully understand God. Is that possible? Absolutely not!
He is inexhaustible! God is free, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, immutable and eternal... how can we understand that?! We don't. We spend our lives learning, falling more and more in love with Him until we go Home... happily ever after.

As for your plans... plan to be surprised.

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