An Imagination Too Small

This week i have been totally rocked... again.
This Sunday Shoreline Church celebrated our 3rd anniversary and Scott preached from Ephesians 3:14-21 as has been done every year, beginning with the first service.

¹⁴For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, ¹⁵from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named, ¹⁶that according to the riches of his glory he may grant you to be strengthened with power through his Spirit in your inner being, ¹⁷ so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith—that you, being rooted and grounded in love, ¹⁸may have strength to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, ¹⁹and to know the love of Christ that surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled with all the fullness of God. ²⁰ Now to him who is able to do far more abundantly than all that we ask or think, according to the power at work within us, ²¹ to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever. Amen.

It was awesome to look back at how God has grown us individually and as a body. I was amazed at the growth of my sisters Meredith and Beth (2/3 of the Triad), encouraged at the relationships that have been build with my brothers and sisters yet my vision was short. I was pleased to see the growth of my brothers and sisters yet I looked at myself and only saw pain and loss.

The past three years of my life have been crazy and i'd like to share a synopsis, not to boast in my suffering but to boast in what Christ has seen and grown me through.

I was baptized July 3rd 2005, then then pain in my hands began. I was a Sunday attender, too shy to join a small group Bible study; nor did i understand that i was to search out scripture myself.
December 2005 i packed my belongings to be put in storage while my abusive, drunkard roommate was in Las Vegas. I slept on a mattress in the dining room of a friend while searching for apartments.
January 8, 2006 the pain in my hands became too great. Both were numb and tingling with sharp, stabbing pain, stiffness and electric pain that traveled from my fingers to my under arm. Although two doctors wanted to do surgery, none of the 12 doctors could tell me what was causing this pain. I was a bartender at the time. I began dropping beers yet oblivious that one was no longer in my hand until it hit the floor. Needless to say i couldn't work any longer and one can't get an apartment with no income. So i slept in my car... until it was towed because i couldn't pay the registration. I then stayed with another friend who promptly kicked me out because the guy she wanted, liked me. He was a "Christian" and convinced me that sex outside of marriage is okay as long as the two people care about each other. Praise God for the wisdom to get rid of him.
Finally, June 2006 i was accepted to CSULA apartments (i confess that the only reason i decided to come back to school was so i'd have a roof over my head). Then financial aid confused something and i was given an eviction notice. This happened three more times.
February 2007 State disability said i had depleted their resources and they would no longer support me. I applied for Social Security and did not receive benefits until that July. Thus a couple more eviction notices.
In the next year i tried several times to get a job and i kept one for 9 months until the pain in my hands was too great.

May 2008 the pain spread to my whole body. I have been waiting since then to receive the proper Medicare that would allow me to see a specialist. I did go through the emergency room and saw a neurologist but because i had to go through a county hospital, I am still waiting to hear about results.

The symptoms since May are as follows:

sharp stabbing pain -- occurs in random parts of the body including, joints, abdomen, face and eyeballs;

dull pain -- in muscles and joints;
headaches\migraines -- can last over a week;
muscle weakness and tremors;

loss of motor skills;

dizziness -- vertigo and nausea;
numbness and tingling of the limbs;
fatigue;
electric\nerve pain -- moves throughout the central and peripheral nervous system -- electric shock can start at the sacrum and move all the way down the back of the leg through the bottom of the foot or start at the back of the neck and radiate to the face. I have even felt my retinal nerve light up.

Looking back on all of this would be depressing except for the one thing that has carried me through -- faith in my Lord Jesus Christ.

Although it doesn't look it to the naked eye, God was present through all of this and provided for me -- more than I will ever know -- everything that I needed. It was very hard to see in the beginning; however, in the summer of 2006, God provided me a family of which to love me through. He loves, nurtures, provides, and gives wisdom through this family. I am eternally grateful and love them more than i could ever say. That alone is a miracle coming from the girl who was once mute and stoic.

As for the physical pain, it started when i accepted Christ and i never thought to look back. I followed Him like a child not knowing where it would take me or what it would cost. With Him was where i wanted to be.

A year ago i asked God to give me more suffering if it meant advancing the Gospel. That is growth! Who prays like that except through the Spirit? Although i saw fruit and wanted more, i did not know of what i asked. Boy did He deliver.

In the past couple months i got selfish. I knew this pain was for the greater good but i didn't want it anymore. It is comical how we pray to be close to God and then pray for relief from the divine procedure that accomplishes this. The reason i could not see my own growth was because i was too selfish to see past the pain and suffering to see how God has and is working through it.

Mark 10:35-41 shows James and John, who had both seen Christ in His glory at the Transfiguration, asking to sit with Him in His glory. Not knowing fully the cost, they still knew they wanted to be linked with Him eternally.