The Cup and the Glory

Suffering is an interesting beast. It is not a realm you enter voluntarily. It can take you over until you don't have suffering, it has you. When suffering has you, it can grow to a point that you can no longer identify what hurts, just that you hurt. From suffering, sorrow is born and to add insult to injury God seems so far off.

I have been reading, The Cup and the Glory by Greg Harris. I am only on the third chapter and already i have been convicted, rocked and reminded what i am suffering for. It has been so good to hear from a spiritual leader who has also known intense chronic pain.
He talked about James and John's request to Jesus in Mark 10:35-41.

^35(AG) James and John, the two sons of Zebedee, came up to Jesus, saying, "Teacher, we want You to do for us whatever we ask of You."

³⁶And He said to them, "What do you want Me to do for you?"

³⁷They said to Him, "Grant that we ^(AH)may sit, one on Your right and one on Your left, in Your glory."

³⁸But Jesus said to them, "You do not know what you are asking. Are you able ^(AI)to drink the cup that I drink, or ^(AJ)to be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized?"

³⁹They said to Him, "We are able." And Jesus said to them, "The cup that I drink ^(AK)you shall drink; and you shall be baptized with the baptism with which I am baptized.

⁴⁰"But to sit on My right or on My left, this is not Mine to give; ^(AL)but it is for those for whom it has been prepared."

^41(AM)Hearing this, the ten began to feel indignant with James and John.

I began to feel indignant as well when i read this the first time. How presumptuous, i thought. But Harris goes on to show that this took place about a year after the Transfiguration. They had seen, "the kingdom of God after it has come into power" (Mark 9:1) and wanted to be a part of it. What they did not understand - what we do not understand when we ask to be close to God - is what that meant for their lives on earth.

Harris writes: "God sometimes allows suffering and sorrows so deep we would question His love for us if we did not have repeated promises in His Word of His unfathomable love - and even then darkness so overwhelming we still question Him...

... our prayers focus mostly on the removal of the very elements God uses to bring us to the point of blessing. Is it any wonder why Paul would say, "We do not know ["understand"] how to pray as we should" in Romans 8:26? We pray for greatness and blessing from God, and then for relief from the divine procedure that accomplishes this. On top of that, we usually blame God for unanswered prayer, while all the time He is in the process of answering what we glibly bring before Him."

A year and a half ago i had a better understanding of this than i have the past few weeks. Not because i was wiser then but because i was less selfish. I saw the fruit God had produced through my suffering - fruit for the benefit of others, not necessarily for myself.

Friday night i read to the end of the second chapter which was this prayer:

"Please pass me the Cup, Lord. It's as necessary for me as it was for You. Give me strength and courage because what i ask is a fearful thing to me. Change me into a vessel fit for receiving not only what You would have for me, but also whom You would have me become. I have no strength to do this but by You. Strip me of me, and replace it with You. Have your own way with me. Thy will be done on earth - my earth, my life - as it is in heaven. Amen."

Having prayed this similar prayer before and seeing how God worked it out, i was cautious. Trembling, i affirmed i want to be close to Jesus. I do not deserve to be close, let alone at His right or left hand, but i desire to be close. Not for the blessings to my benefit but to sit at His feet in awe.

What does that cup look like for me here on this earth? God only knows. It could be more suffering, it could be blessing. It could be never knowing the physical cause of my suffering and being plagued with it until i go Home. There are days that i want nothing more than to breathe my last breath and be Home with Christ. It grieves me that i get so selfish and forget that God knows what the cause is, when this started and when it will be finished. He wants to bless me, if i'd just get out of the way. My soul is secure, so what am i to worry for?

That night God did give me a blessing, a gift. Gifts are pleasant surprises, not guaranteed, not a right. That is what makes it a gift.