A couple years ago I read Russel D. Moore's book, Adopted for Life (and by read I mean listened to the audio book). I remember sobbing on the floor listening to the story of his and his wife's visits to the dank orphanage in Russia. I continued sobbing as he told how the boys reached back for that horrific orphanage when they were put in the car to leave for a better life. Later, back in the States, the boys would hide food in their highchairs just in case that was the last meal they would get for a while.
When I became a Christian, I didn't so much reach back for my old life. I buckled my seat belt with uncharacteristic confidence and waved farewell to my bondage. Things didn't get easier for me, actually life got harder but there was this insatiable joy and hope that I had never felt before, carrying me... covering me. This past year, things have calmed down considerably. Not only that, but circumstances have gotten really good! I have been so blessed. It is so good, in fact, that it feels too good. I have been in the Light for almost 8 years now but this seems too much. I have come to learn the secret of being content and thriving in suffering - when hungry or in want. I can suffer well through Him who gives me strength. However, as I embark on the journey of this season of singing, I have found myself reaching back for my suffering not knowing how to/if I can be close to God without it. I also find myself hording and controlling blessings, afraid that the abounding riches of God's grace are about to run out for me. My head and heart are in shock. Such a mixed bag of junk, Truth, sin, fear and other stuff. All these good things and relationships are so good and I can't help but dwell on how life in eternity will be even better. In eternity they Enemy will no longer be prevalent, I will see Christ face to face, and there will be no sinful doubting flesh to contend with. I guess somewhere in my heart I can grasp the full abounding richness of His grace in heaven but I am struggling to believe the richness of His grace is abounding here on earth, in this flesh. I suppose God has much, much more to teach me about Unfailing Love.