Life Goes On... and on...

I hope this isn't too honest for you guys but, i have been longing for Heaven so much lately.
The constant physical struggle has made me weary and possibly lazy. The symptoms change so much day to day that it is difficult to determine whether my body needs rest, or if i am being slothful. What i can say for sure is that i have gotten lazy in life. Yes, my body is a mess and it is hard to get around, but there is a reason for all of this. It probably isn't healthy to strive to understand the, "why", but healthy to find how this struggle can benefit and encourage others. It is so easy to get wrapped up in my own body and forget that my struggles effect/affect those around me. Wanting to be healthy (and longing for Heaven) is a healthy desire. However, if i let that desire take over instead of seeking first the Kingdom of God, then it (for me) becomes an obsession... or at the very least a distraction from Him... which is huge.

Pain is a funny thing (not 'ha, ha', funny but 'hmmm', funny). With intense pain, it is hard to think of anything else, especially when it is your head that hurts. Pain encompasses my mind like sin can so easily do. The difference is, sin is a choice, my physical pain is God's plan for me and out of my control. Having pain is not my choice but how i deal with it is. It is not all about me. My life is a sacrifice to God and this pain is His, not mine. And now... what do i do with that?

Fatigue is kicking my butt...

Musical Diagnosis!

I love how doctors hand out diagnoses like candy. Doctors can be just as self-conscious as we are about a mystery illness. They dread the moment that they throw their hands in the air and say, "I'm stumped! I have no idea". So you have to be very careful in the way you listen and ask questions. Sometimes they fail to clarify from, "this is what it is," and, "this is what I think it is".

Well let me jump off my soapbox so we can talk.

I just got back from the doctor (not the neurologist, boo!). My doctors continue to rule out possibilities while we wait for the neurologist. It is now narrowed down to either fibromyalgia, multiple sclerosis or a pinched nerve somewhere near my spine. All of which can only be diagnosed by a neurologist (i'm praying for the pinched nerve... obviously). Medicare should come through around August 19th (cool birthday present, no?). It would be a great relief to finally get to the bottom of this! The wait is killing me, as the probability of permanent damage increases the longer i wait.

A Deviation

deviate
verb |ˈdēvēˌāt| [ intrans. ]
depart from an established course...

My plan was simple. Go to Los Angeles, and perform in theatre, television and film. Marry a movie star and live happily ever after. Well, i have performed in theatre, television and film but have hit a stumbling block when it comes to marriage and happily ever after. I have come to realize that i am married to Arnie. He is there when i get up in the morning, with me throughout the day and the last to be with me before i go to sleep... and is there the 2 - 5 times he wakes me up per night. He is so domineering that i have had to stop all assertive efforts in attaining my dreams of performing. Though he sometimes allows me to dance and lets me out for the occasional commercial audition, my inability to commit to anything long term puts me in a limbo.

limbo 1 |ˈlimbō|
noun
an uncertain period of awaiting a decision or resolution; an intermediate state or condition

I rue the day Arnie came in to my life, yet rejoice in it at the same time. It's a complicated love/hate relationship.
I know beyond a doubt that if He hadn't taken control of my body, i would be in a very bad place right now. Perhaps my body would feel renewed but my soul would be waisting away. I thank Him for that. What's hard to swallow is, now that i am freed from my past life i am still unable to perform. And not just that, the day to day is becoming harder as well.
Before, i controlled my body. I had a will power that my flesh submitted to with humility. Anything you could do, i could do better. I out played the boys at sport and music, and out witted the girls in quarrel. Now my will must submit to His Will.
Other things have encompassed my mind to divert my attention from Arnie. I have tried to push though the pain, and press on through the weakness, but God is stronger. He is stronger over my body than i could ever be, while being more gentle that i ever was. Now i wait. For what i am not exactly sure but i wait. I don't have a choice, i am not in control.

lovesick |ˈləvˌsik|
adjective
in love, or missing the person one loves, so much that one is unable to act normally

The diversions i created are dying to me. They are useless distractions that reap no reward. It is now clear to me that these idols have grown in my heart and taken me from my first Love. Once the realization came my stomach turned, i could not catch my breath as sob upon sob escaped my lips. I have offended my God, my Savior, my Lord by taking a Godly desire and defiling it by my impatience; creating fantasies that are my idea of what bliss should look like. The beauty God can create in my life is unimaginable. I have seen what loveliness He has created out of darkness, yet i continually oscillate. My lowly fantasies disgrace me and show my distrust and dissatisfaction of the One True God. I am a wicked wretch! What could i possibly know?!
I do not trust Him or am satisfied by His wondrous gifts. They are rubbish to me as i create my own idea for my life. And what can that lead to? Ideas created in sin can only give birth to more sin; dark, disgusting sin that will bring Satin to rejoice and my soul to rot.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms.”
You scum! How do you feed on God's helpless and feeble children? I pray for the day of Jesus' return. My judgment may be harsh, to look into the face of the Lord i love and explain how i did not have trust in Him. It will be heart wrenching, yet bearable compared to the joy of seeing you brought low! In the past three years i have felt my physical body break, porous to the bone, my mind lost from my grasp and my heart sunken in disappointment. Yet these unwarranted desires are an offense that has brought pain more monstrous than any of these.

Daddy, Abba father, I don't want to distract myself or turn from You any longer. For so long i have not trusted the only one that loved me so, that he would die for me. I can never feel the wrath that was upon that soul; and the plan of Love was that i never would. I have taken the most pure thing conceivable and spat in His face. My sin is not an object to throw out the window, but my being to be thrown to the floor.
I cannot hide from your love, oh Lord and i praise You that there is such pain in my soul that i may see the weight of my offense and repent. I praise You that such pain is in my body that i may see how You provide, how only You can be first in my heart.

surprise |sə(r)ˈprīz|
noun
an unexpected or astonishing event, fact, or thing

Had i gone about my plans, i might have had continued success in performing, i might have gotten married. But happily ever after, not so sure. Without God, everything is futile. God is love, so to fully understand love and contentment we must fully understand God. Is that possible? Absolutely not! He is inexhaustible! God is free, omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient, immutable and eternal... how can we understand that?! We don't. We spend our lives learning, falling more and more in love with Him until we go Home... happily ever after.

As for your plans... plan to be surprised.

Soon...

Two and a half months of stalking Medicare and Social Security has finally paid off! Yes, the stealth precision and persistence of my pursuit is about to reap reward! The case is not yet solved, but i have a clue. I obtained a tip from a reliable, anonymous source that the documents in question should be processed... soon! (gasp) Yes, that is right, "soon".
After losing several witnesses, i recovered with further research and had a breakthrough. It seems to be the pattern that after one submits for coverage with this agency, they receive compensation 60 to 360 days after first contact. If my calculations are accurate, there should be movement sometime between August 19th, 2008 and June 14th, 2009!
What sweet irony! If it is the soonest date, i may celebrate my birthday with the greatest collar of my career and the closing of this case!

Being Cripple is Dangerous!

So i was meditating in the fifth floor dance studio/performance space this morning, when the windows of the control booth began to make a horrible racket ... yes, i said racket. My first inclination was, someone is messing around in there, but then the mirrors on the wall and the battens, full of hanging show lights, began to shake as well. I rolled my way to standing and hurried to the doorway, away from any possible debris. Just as i made it, my legs gave out and i slumped to the floor. I was oddly calm throughout. I prayed. The shaking just didn't stop.

After it finally stopped we were escorted to the emergency stairwell. Sitting in my scooter and looking at the stairs i thought, huh... thats funny... how do i get out? The elevator was not an option and the jolt to my system clearly agitated my pain. So i had another opportunity. Grin and bear it. Thankfully one of the other dancers helped me down the five flights of stairs. A small group stayed behind to make sure we all got out safely, which was encouraging. But seriously, i am a huge liability! Guess i have to prepare for the big one.... ahem... "Leave me! Save yourselves!" ;-D

Faithless

So things are pretty crazy. I can walk and dance in moderation, on a good day. However, the pain has morphed to muscle spasms, random sharp 'shock' pain and weird dizziness. Sometimes my world shifts and sometimes gravity pulls my head to the floor. Sometimes i get lost in my own apartment. Sometimes i get scared over what is happening to me. Oh, my faithlessness!

Zechariah 13:6:

⁶And one shall say unto him, What are these wounds in thine hands? Then he shall answer, Those with which I was wounded in the house of my friends.

This is in reference to:

John 20:25-27:

²⁵The other disciples therefore said unto him (Thomas), We have seen the LORD. But he said unto them, Except I shall see in his hands the print of the nails, and put my finger into the print of the nails, and thrust my hand into his side, I will not believe.

²⁶And after eight days again his disciples were within, and Thomas with them: then came Jesus, the doors being shut, and stood in the midst, and said, Peace be unto you.

²⁷Then saith he to Thomas, Reach hither thy finger, and behold my hands; and reach hither thy hand, and thrust it into my side: and be not faithless, but believing.

Jesus was, "wounded in the house of my friends" when Thomas did not believe. He is hurt when we do not believe/trust/have faith.

James 1:17

¹⁷Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.