Not so Lil' Update

It has been a little over five months since i was diagnosed and i am pleased to say that i no longer have chronic pain. I still have pain - and i'll explain why in a bit - but it is so minimal compared to what it was before. God answers prayers. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes no, and sometimes not yet; but He always answers. To the request of Him to take away this physical pain that has been in my body for four years, He has answered, "Yes,"! Praise God and thank you all who have kept me in your prayers!

So, what is the diagnosis? I realize i never clearly laid it out for you. Mainly because of my self-conscientiousness. It is a bit complicated and takes some explaining and an open mind... here it goes...

I have been diagnosed with what medicine calls, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with Somatization. Most people know what PTSD is but Somatization isn't so well known. The full term (which i don't like to use because of the connotation the first part of the word may evoke) is Psychosomatization, which basically means (psyche = mind, soma = body) that emotional/spiritual pain is manifested in physical pain. The diagnosis helps to understand what is happening, however, i think sometimes we use diagnoses as excuses for our behavior instead of actually pursuing the hard work of healing the heart issue. I prefer to say that i have a troubled soul that Christ is healing as i will and work.

So what do you do for that?
Most doctors will prescribe mood altering medication and psychiatric therapy. I do not recommend either. Before i was diagnosed, my neurologist put me on Cymbalta for the pain. It is a medication that changes the chemical balance in your brain. Originally it was for depression and anxiety but later was found to help relieve nerve pain and Fibromyalgia. I sought out wise counsel and we decided (at the time with the limited information that we had) it was a good decision to take the medication. I believe we made the right decision at that time but Cymbalta did not help the pain and made me more emotionally numb. If you are told you have anxiety or depression, i do not recommend mood altering medication. If you look on the site, it is said, "The exact way Cymbalta works in people is unknown." Sounds dangerous to me and i can tell you, the side effects and withdrawals are not exactly a breezy walk in the park.

As for psychiatry and therapy - i do not recommend those either. Most ideas you will be taught will only help you become more selfish and introspective which can potentially make your spiritual condition worse. There are some helpful insights from psychology (which my bff Beth can tell you more about than i can) but if it is not applied through the lens of the Gospel, it can be damaging. My suggestion is Biblical Counseling.

Hebrews 4:12-16 says, "¹²For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. ¹³And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. ¹⁴Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. ¹⁵For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. ¹⁶ Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need."

Who better to help you heal that the One who knows all? The Word became flesh in the God-man Jesus Christ, the ultimate healer.

Since i have begun fighting repression to deal with the sin thrust upon me and my sinful reactions to such, the somatization has almost completely reversed. My body is still pretty weak due to the duration of the chronic pain, as well as pain relapses from time to time when i get really overwhelmed, but no longer is it crazy pain every minute of every day. It is an important step, but i will tell you that spiritual pain is far worse than physical pain could ever be. It makes me dwell on that moment on the cross when Jesus experienced spiritual death. His body and mind were tortured but it was the spiritual pain of being separated from the Father that made Him cry out.

So far, Christ has helped me begin to win the perhaps continual battle against depression and anxiety; which (in my case) are sinful reactions. The PTSD however is still visceral. A slammed door, loud footsteps and metal clanging against metal are a few things that cause a reaction that seems to be in my body separate from my logical and rational mind. This is helped by taking every thought captive (2 Corinthians 10:5), holding fast to the Word and remembering that God is sovereign. My plan now is to study the doctrine of adoption that says those who are in Christ are given not a spirit of fear but that of adoption (Romans 8:15, 23), predestined to be adopted through Christ Jesus (Ephesians 1:5; Galatians 1:5).

Unfortunately Arnie is still alive and well yet provides opportunities to work out my faith. So the plan for Thriving with Arnie now is to keep you updated on resources and insights i find as a result of the studying to come.

For anyone struggling to believe that God could have loved you so much that He has smitten His perfect son to adopt you, i highly recommend listening to C.J. Mahaney's sermon, God as Father: Understanding the Doctrine of Adoption as well as reading, Adopted for Life by Russel Moore and chapter 19 of Knowing God by JI Packer as recommended to me by my pastor. C.J. also recommends Children of the Living God, by Sinclare Ferguson and Adopted into Gods Family by Trevor Burke.

Love is terrifying and God has shown it will cost you everything, yet we receive the merciful love of God. It is not an even trade - we receive so much more!

Dumbfounded

Ezekiel 1:22-28

²²Over the heads of the living creatures there was the likeness of an expanse, shining like awe-inspiring crystal [a surface like the sky, glittering like crystal-NLT; looking like the terrible and awesome [dazzling of shining] crystal or ice-AMP; like the awesome gleam of crystal-NASB; qerach-> keh'·rakh-> frost, ice, crystal], spread out above their heads. ²³And under the expanse their wings were stretched out straight, one toward another. And each creature had two wings covering its body. ²⁴And when they went, I heard the sound of their wings like the sound of many waters, like the sound of the Almighty, a sound of tumult like the sound of an army. When they stood still, they let down their wings. ²⁵And there came a voice from above the expanse over their heads. When they stood still, they let down their wings.

²⁶And above the expanse over their heads there was the likeness of a throne, in appearance like sapphire; and seated above the likeness of a throne was a likeness with a human appearance. ²⁷And upward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were gleaming metal, like the appearance of fire enclosed all around. And downward from what had the appearance of his waist I saw as it were the appearance of fire, and there was brightness around him. ²⁸Like the appearance of the bow that is in the cloud on the day of rain, so was the appearance of the brightness all around.

Such was the appearance of the likeness of the glory of the LORD. And when I saw it, I fell [naphal-> nä·fal'->to fall (of violent death)] on my face, and I heard the voice of one speaking.

Ezekiel 2:1-3, 14-15

¹And he said to me, "Son of man, stand on your feet, and I will speak with you." ²And as he spoke to me, the Spirit entered into me and set me on my feet, and I heard him speaking to me. ³And he said to me, "Son of man, I send you..."

With what message has He sent you? What would the LORD have you do today?

¹⁴ "The Spirit lifted me up and took me away, and I went in bitterness in the heat [chemah -> khā·mä' -> hot displeasure, indignation, rage] of my spirit, the hand of the LORD being strong [chazaq -> khä·zäk' ->severe, sharp, hot] upon me. ¹⁵ And I came to the exiles at Tel-abib, who were dwelling by the Chebar canal, and I sat where they were dwelling. And I sat there overwhelmed [`ataph -> ä·taf' -> faint, swoon, fail, feeble] among them seven days."

When was the last time you sat dumbfounded by the LORD for seven days? Seven hours? ... minutes?
... seconds?

Paint It Black

Tonight i kidnapped Beth's car and realized how much i really enjoy (and miss) driving at night with really good tunes. And of course with Beth, there is an abundance of good tunes in the car... sorry guys, no Brittney Spears.

Anyway, there i was owning the road, rocking to a cover of Paint It Black by the Rolling Stones and imagining Beth's Blue Ford Focus was a black '74 Firebird, a '69 Camero, or my fave, a 1964 Ford Mustang, no fast back baby! Ahem, anyway... I really enjoy this song and it totally speaks to how i have been feeling lately.

"I see a red door and I want it painted black,
No colors anymore I want them to turn black,
I see the girls walk by dressed in their summer clothes,
I have to turn my head until my darkness goes,
I see a line of cars and they're all painted black,
With flowers and my love both never to come back,
I see people turn their heads and quickly look away,
Like a new born baby it just happens every day,
I look inside myself and see my heart is black,
I see my red door and it has been painted black,
Maybe then I'll fade away and not have to face the facts,
Its not easy facin up when your whole world is black..."

The last verse of the song talks about wanting the sun to turn black. I am not exactly sure where i am going with this, but i got home and read Isaiah 9:2, which says,
"The people who walked in darkness
have seen a great light;
those who dwelt in a land of deep darkness,
on them has light shined."

The NIV says, "on those living in the land of the shadow of death" which makes me think of Psalm 23, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."

All this sparked the meandering of my thoughts that may (or may not) be worth sharing.

Sometimes we choose to walk in darkness.
We walk in darkness and prefer it.
Sometimes Christian culture seems all hearts and flowers, and that makes me want to puke.
Maybe this is why Christian movies suck.
These are God given emotions so i should allow myself to feel, but at what point am i sulking/sinning?
God is doing a mighty work in me and i am blessed by these trials far more than not going through them... and i feel black.

Primary Allegiance to God

As part of an equipping class i am taking at Shoreline Church, i am re-reading (and actually studying this time), Instruments in the Redeemer's Hands, by Paul David Tripp. Here are just a few thoughts running through the convoluted maze that is my scattered brain.

The last few chapters we have read are about following Christ's example and not forgetting our primary allegiance to God. We are ambassadors of Christ. So when the doctor says, "I am prescribing Micrographic Surgery. Bring a book, it will be a long day," instead of being scared, or dejected; we are encouraged for the opportunity to glorify God. However, it is easier (at least for me) to handle medical surprises than complicated people.
Luckily Mr. Tripp lays out some key ideas to keep in mind (also applicable to other crisis situations) on page 107.

THE WORK OF AN AMBASSADOR

Living a representative lifestyle can be summarized by three points of focus. As an ambassador, I will represent:

1. The message of the King. An ambassador is always asking, "What does my LORD want to communicate to this person [or me] in this situation? What truths should shape my response? What goals should motivate me?"
2. The methods of the King. Here I will ask, "How does the LORD bring change in me and others? How did he respond to people here on earth? What responses are consistent with the goals and resources of the Gospel?"
3. The character of the King. Here I ask, "Why does the LORD do what He does? How can I faithfully represent the character that motivates His redemptive work? What motives in my own heart could hinder what the LORD wants to do in this situation?"

Yesterday we were talking though Matthew 14:1-21 where Jesus just got word that his cousin - the only person that knew who Jesus was and what he was to do - was beheaded. Jesus withdrew to grieve and be comforted by his Father only to then serve 5,000 + by way of miracle. I confess that my tendency is to become a recluse, not to put aside my grief to serve others. So immediately the motives of my heart begin to hinder what God wants to do in this [these] situation[s].

God is present, God is working and eternity with God awaiting us makes this all worth it.

Isaiah 62:5 For as a young man marries a young woman, so shall your sons marry you, and as the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so shall your God rejoice over you.
Jeremiah 1:19 "They will fight against you, but they shall not prevail against you, for I am with you, declares the LORD, to deliver you."
Jeremiah 2:2 "Go and proclaim in the hearing of Jerusalem, Thus says the LORD, "I remember the devotion of your youth, your love as a bride, how you followed me in the wilderness, in a land not sown."

Isaiah 40:31
³¹but they who wait for the LORD shall renew their strength;
they shall mount up with wings like eagles;
they shall run and not be weary;
they shall walk and not faint.

Placing our hope in the Lord and the new life that He offers us in Christ is compared here to soaring on wings like eagles-like flying. Imagine it, no longer are we destined to place our hope in ourselves, our jobs, the economy, our friends or a spouse. We now have a hope that cannot be shaken.

When our hope is in the Lord our strength is renewed. Whatever you are facing today you have a choice. Where will you put your hope?


Today's Commentary by:
Caesar Kalinowski, Pastor, Soma Communities

Tremendous in the Making

This past week or so i have been overwhelmed with peace. Not much has changed and crazy stuff continues daily; but God has answered my prayer for peace. And He did it His way [cue Sinatra]. I did nothing to 'accomplish' said peace, nor do i understand it, but man am i enjoying it! I am certain it came from Christ and i guess that is all i really need to know.

That is all i've got right now, so to explain more about what we don't know, here is C.S. Lewis (btw: I totally copy/pasted this quote from Scott's Blog).

C.S. Lewis:

"That is why we must not be surprised if we are in for a rough time. When a man turns to Christ and seems to be getting on pretty well (in the sense that some of his bad habits are now corrected), he often feels that it would now be natural if things went fairly smoothly. When troubles come along - illnesses, money troubles, new kinds of temptation - he is dissapointed. These things, he feels, might have been necessary to rouse him and make him repent in his bad old days; but why now? Because God is forcing him on, or up, to a higher level: putting him in situations where he will have to be very much braver, or more patient, or more loving, than he ever dreamed of being before. It seems to us all unnecesarry: but that is because we have not yet had the slightest notion of the tremendous thing He means to make of us."

Honor who?!

Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the LORD your God is giving you.
Exodus 20:12


"To honor our heritage gives God glory, but this commandment may seem hard when one has come out of a broken or abusive home.

For those who have experienced this pain, honoring our father and mother is important for a number of reasons. First, it reminds us that we live in a broken world. Second, we come out of our dysfunction as ministers to those who have suffered without God. This also causes us to face our own unforgiveness and uproot the curse of judgment that we can pass to our children.

This commandment is healthy to stable families and healing to unhealthy families."

Commentary by:
Dave Whitehead, Senior Pastor Grace NYC